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I'm an idiot. I'm in love. I've had these feelings before for someone that didn't belong to me so you'd think it's different this time but it's not. I was at a high point in my life during the first time. I was happy. Everything changed overnight for me. The feeling was still there but I had no connection and I was constantly misunderstood. I went spiraling down into a what seemed to be endless fall and it hurt. I lost all sense of time and direction. I set my heart on someone and she broke it. Needless to say I'm over her. All it took was a war. Now I'm setting myself up in the same way. I feel the same emotions frequently that I should keep to myself. I act childish, jealous and drunk. I do posses a different heart now. It's hard and cold but somehow she manages to melt it effortlessly. I feel helpless when I see her captivating eyes. If I only were so lucky to have her posses me for good. Again this will only be a tease. I have to keep reminding myself this in order to not do anything drastic. Maybe another war is due soon.

Rum and I don't care.

I'm doing this to find what it means. I love you baby girl. I want nothing more than your soft, pink lips on mine. I want to be the first person you think about when you wake up and the last you think of before closing those beatiful eyes of yours because I'm right next to you every moment for the rest of our lives. I want to feel your breath when you say my name in my ear. I want to have your smell linger on me forever. I want to know the worst of you so I can make you smile everyday no matter the situation. I need you to breathe life back into me. I want to be everything you've dreamed of and the future man in your life. I will never leave your side because you've attached yourself to my heart.

The real.

What happens when I cease to exist? Will I be even thought of at all? This doesn't concern me but I am curious. What are the memories others will have of me? If you were to not have any memory of me I wouldn't exist. Would that change anything at all? Life is just a recollection of thoughts. If you don't experience it I believe it doesn't count. I've been places I never imagine I would've visited. Done things you'd never believe. These are the memories that I won't be remembered for.

How I've always put others before myself with disregard for my personal safety, freedom and gain. I have given my time. I have been used as a substitute for what wasn't there on more than one occasion. It's brought me pain and confusion. I won't say heartbreak because I've never owned my heart, it's always been divided evenly among those around me and redistributed whenever someone walks out. I don't own anything that I'm not willing to part with or give away to benefit someone else. I won't give up on anyone that easily but I know when to step aside. I've done it to the person that has known me from the start. At first I missed her but I've learned to fill the void. The most influential people in my life have always gone their way as soon as they make promise that they'll never leave me. I don't have old friends, I have people I knew or at least their memories.

It's safe for me to say that I won't cry over the memory of anyone ever again. I know what to expect but I always have hope. I suppose I need to find one how to become a memory of someone else.

I prefer waffles.

In my opinion waffles are better. They can make more use of their built than pancakes can. The contour of the grooves in their body which not only provide absorbency but also serve as a housing for whatever topping you can imagine. With pancakes the absorbency might be there too but depending on the volume of how much mix each individual pancake consists of you will find yourself with an over flow and not as much volume capacity. Now let's talk about the mix itself and the cooking process. I'll start with pancakes. You can make the mix in various way with different ingredients but I'll cut straight to flavor enhancers. There's all type of fruit and candy you can add. I'm sure you can think of many other things too like bacon. The swinging vote for me is in the way pancakes are cooked. I like my breakfast food well done. I can't eat a well done pancake, that's called a burned pancake. However a well done waffle is crispy and when the syrup starts to soften it up it attains the right consistency. The fruit or candy inside the mix provides you with evenly distributed pockets of flavor that are a treat in itself to find. The outer rim of a well made waffle provides a barrier for all those delicious goodies from escaping. It is a jailhouse of flavor. An Alcatraz of tastebuds. Would I turn down a pancake in place of a waffle? The answer is no but I do prefer the structure and design of the waffle over a pancake any day.

Image.

I started writing this with a different outcome in my mind. I am opinionated but my opinion really doesn't matter to anyone. I can't change minds I can just encourage them. I like how I am in the same situation once more. Feeling things that belong I another person. I'll never get off the bench. I contribute to the better man. You say that I should have faith but the choice has been made. There is a pact that I can't break no matter how strong I become. Even if I state what I believe is best for me it won't be enough.
Most people look to being selfish as a negative attribute. I look at it as the smartest thing you could do. Everyone who has absolutely been selfish has gone to evoke hatred but has become somebody on this planet. Even by mistake, by doing something stupid they've become what the majority won't do because they're scared to think of how they're going to be portrayed. Image is everything so why not provide those watching from the sidelines something attractive.

Start over.

I took the advice from a friend to start doing this. I'm not committing to this fully so if I miss a day or fifteen, oh well. Let me start by stating that I can't write or that this is going to follow a format. Alright, this isn't meant to bitch at anyone or inspire change. I see both these things useless. This isn't about anything but a mere man waiting for something. I have been around the sun twenty six times and have done quite a few things in that time but I feel unaccomplished because I can't define what defines me. I know what audience I'm targeting, it's basically two people. For one of them to make them happy, the other to find understanding.